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Growing up, I wouldn’t say that I had an awful lot of self-esteem.  Confidence wasn’t something that came naturally to me.  I can remember numerous occasions when I was labelled as shy by well-meaning family members, or strangers.  The problem with labels is that if you hear them enough times, then they often stick and a whole new identity can be formed from them, rightly or wrongly.

Would I have grown up lacking so much self-belief if I’d been described as happy, enthusiastic or, perhaps, passionate instead? 

Or was I just a particularly sensitive child that took too much to heart?  The frustrating thing is that I’ll never really know now.   All I can remember is that I could, most often, be found in a corner of my room, with my head engrossed in a book.  Was I hiding away from the world, or was I merely a ferocious reader from a young age?

One thing I do know is that I was a perfectionist, which is not as positive as it first sounds.  Generally my way of thinking would go something like this: “If I can’t do something perfectly first time, then there’s no point trying at all.”  Needless to say this type of thinking enabled me to do well throughout my schooling.  But it also held be back from ever pushing myself to try new things, or break out of my comfort zone.  It protected me from taking risks, from disappointing myself or anyone else:  If it can’t be perfect, I won’t try and then I can’t fail.

As I got older, my self-esteem increased naturally and I pushed myself to try new experiences.  I’m learning that having faults is okay.  However, I’ve been wondering recently if my own experiences of low confidence as a child, will unconsciously affect the type of parent that I am.  How can I instil my children with a strong sense of self-belief when I never had any myself?  How can I make sure that my sons have confidence in their own capabilities, when I was never shown this myself?

I tell them I love them every day, something I, to be honest, don’t think I ever heard myself.  Is that enough?  Does feeling loved automatically ensure high self-esteem, or will they need to be sure of their own abilities as well?  Is there a right balance between the two?

I want them to grow up to be confident men who want to reach for the stars.  I desperately don’t want them to waste opportunities because they didn’t have enough faith in their own capabilities, like I sometimes have.  But can I do this when I can’t even do it for myself?

Fortunately, I found some great tips online which may seem obvious to other people, but when you’ve never felt good enough yourself, they can be harder to implement:

How Parents Can Help 

How can a parent help to foster healthy self-esteem in a child? These tips can make a big difference:

•Watch what you say. Kids are very sensitive to parents’ words. Remember to praise your child not only for a job well done, but also for effort. But be truthful. For example, if your child doesn’t make the soccer team, avoid saying something like, “Well, next time you’ll work harder and make it.” Instead, try “Well, you didn’t make the team, but I’m really proud of the effort you put into it.” Reward effort and completion instead of outcome.

 •Be a positive role model. If you’re excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child may eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem, and your child will have a great role model.

 •Identify and redirect your child’s inaccurate beliefs. It’s important for parents to identify kids’ irrational beliefs about themselves, whether they’re about perfection, attractiveness, ability, or anything else. Helping kids set more accurate standards and be more realistic in evaluating themselves will help them have a healthy self-concept. Inaccurate perceptions of self can take root and become reality to kids. For example, a child who does very well in school but struggles with math may say, “I can’t do math. I’m a bad student.” Not only is this a false generalization, it’s also a belief that will set the child up for failure. Encourage kids to see a situation in its true light. A helpful response might be: “You are a good student. You do great in school. Math is just a subject that you need to spend more time on. We’ll work on it together.”

 •Be spontaneous and affectionate. Your love will go a long way to boost your child’s self-esteem. Give hugs and tell kids you’re proud of them. Pop a note in your child’s lunchbox that reads, “I think you’re terrific!” Give praise frequently and honestly, without overdoing it. Kids can tell whether something comes from the heart.

 •Give positive, accurate feedback. Comments like “You always work yourself up into such a frenzy!” will make kids feel like they have no control over their outbursts. A better statement is, “You were really mad at your brother. But I appreciate that you didn’t yell at him or hit him.” This acknowledges a child’s feelings, rewards the choice made, and encourages the child to make the right choice again next time.

 •Create a safe, loving home environment. Kids who don’t feel safe or are abused at home will suffer immensely from low self-esteem. A child who is exposed to parents who fight and argue repeatedly may become depressed and withdrawn. Also watch for signs of abuse by others, problems in school, trouble with peers, and other factors that may affect kids’ self-esteem. Deal with these issues sensitively but swiftly. And always remember to respect your kids.

 •Help kids become involved in constructive experiences. Activities that encourage cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful in fostering self-esteem. For example, mentoring programs in which an older child helps a younger one learn to read can do wonders for both kids.

From: http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/self_esteem.html